Lactosus Intolerantus
by Darkconfidantsconfidant
Summary: Naruto invites Shikamaru to go to a farm with him. Hilarity ensues. NO YAOI! Just a humor and adventure story. Shikamaru as main character. ONCE AGAIN, THERE IS NO ROMANCE!


**Lactosus Intolerantus**

A/N: While thinking of what to write next in my Kabuto/Sakura, I came up with this slightly humorous(in my opinion) story. If it's a bit…"off beat", I'm sorry, but I'm sure you'll like it anyway. If, perchance, any of you readers hail from a certain place where the acronyms "FOMHV" or "MHV" have meaning, yes I got "Farmer Dai" from our own Dai(Though he is severely out of character here. I just liked the name)

Written under the influence of: Boulevard of Broken Dreams and Sanctuary/Passion on endless loops, as well as thoughts of someone I will refer to only as"Japan" running rampant through my head.

Story dedicated to- My friend ,Nick, possibly the world's greatest Shikamaru fan and impersonator.(Kidding, but he likes Shikamaru a lot)

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or its characters. I do, however, own the PSP on which said songs were played. I don't own the songs, either, in case you're wondering.

Regular type- Narrative

"In quotes"- Talking

_Italicized- _Thinking

(In parentheses)- Notes(If there are any)

**ON WITH THE STORY!**

Soft wisps of milky white clouds greeted the new day in Konoha. The sleepy village was soon bustling with activity; most everyone had something or other to do. Ninjas went out on missions, farmers went out to feed the livestock, children went to the academy.

Nara Shikamaru, however, decided that doing anything today was below him as he got up from his bed. As he got up off the bed, he had the unfortunate luck to stub his toe against his nightstand. Cursing under his breath, he stumbled out of his room and walked to the kitchen.

Grumbling, with eyes still half closed in sleep, he tugged open the refrigerator door. He grudgingly opened his eyes to be met with the sight of…nothing. His fridge was completely empty!!!

Pinned up on the back, however, he found a piece of paper with a few lines scribbled on it. Peering at it closely, and squinting, Shikamaru was able to make out:

_Was hungry, out of food, so I had some of yours.__ I'll pay you back __some time__-__Naruto_

Shikamaru sighed, crumpled the paper, and threw it into the waste basket._ That __Baka__! That thing was full last night_

Shikamaru shoved his hands into his pockets, put on his usual exasperated face, and decided to go to Ichiraku for some ramen…for breakfast. Eating ramen for breakfast wasn't his style, but hey, he had no real other options.

Shikamaru walked out into the brisk Autumn morning air and headed down the road to the ramen shop. Upon his arrival his jaw dropped to find Naruto sitting there, eating ramen. He walked up to the yellow-haired boy's table and sat down.

"Oh, hey Shikamaru! Thanks for the food," welcomed Naruto.

"Baka, you just ate a fridge worth of food! How can you be sitting here eating more?!," questioned Shikamaru as he ordered a bowl for himself. It was set before him almost instantly.

"Oh, I was hungry again"(anime-style sweatdrop from Shikamaru)

"Ah, who am I to question your way of running life?" Shikamaru said as he began to dig in.

"Say, Shikamaru, are you doing anything today?

"No, Well, I thought I'd go cloud gazing, but that's it"

Naruto beamed, finished with his bowl "Well, Farmer Dai said I could visit his farm. He's going to let me help him with the cows today! Wanna come along?"(I seriously considered going off on an "Of Mice and Men" tangent right here. "But I is smart George..." hee hee. Wait, did that line ever appear in the book?)

Shikamaru sighed, the thought of spending the day amidst those black and white beasts did not appeal to him. "Nah, I-" he started, but Naruto cut him off.

"C'mon! It'll be fun!"

"But Naruto-"

"C'mooooooooon! You're always no fun, Shikamaru!"

Just then, they heard a grumbling voice from the other end of the restaurant, coming from the only other occupant of the shop.

"When I find that rascally Shikamaru –hic- I'm going to…" said a hung-over Asuma.

"Err…actually, maybe I will go with you Naruto"

"Great! Let's go right now, Shikamaru!!!!"

"Shh…don't make so much…" Shikamaru cautioned, shushing him, but it was too late. Asuma turned in his seat to face them.

"Shikamaru! –hic- Come here!!!" he beckoned, but Shikamaru was ready, with a very un-Shikamaru plan.

"HOLY CRAP, IT'S A LION!!! GET IN THE CAR!!!" he yelled, pointing behind Asuma.

"Err..what?! Where?!" Asuma turned to look, and with that, the two boys bolted out the door.

_An hour later…_

The midmorning sun beat down on the duo traverse along the country road.

"Darn! It sure is hot today!!!" complained the yellow-haired ninja.

"Shut up, troublesome moron" said Shikamaru, walking with his hands in his pockets.

The two kept walking in silence. Several minutes later, they saw a cow.

"Moooooo"

"Moooooo" imitated Naruto, forming an "O" with his mouth "Hee hee...aren't cows funny?"

Shikamaru's eye twitched, and it was all he could do not to smack the blonde upside the head. To shut Naruto up, he changed the subject.

"Hey, is that it in that the farm meadow?"

"Yeah! That's it! C'mon Shikamaru! The sooner we get there, the sooner we can help with the cows!!!" Naruto sped ahead and yelled over his shoulder. Shikamaru, lazy as usual, followed at his normal pace. Seeing Naruto go into the front door, Shikamaru followed a couple yards behind. He took note of the house: a relatively small, two story affair. The wood making it up looked a little more than slightly worn, the whole place had an aura of peaceful tranquility.

"Naruto! There you are!" a middle-aged man already sporting grey hair and beard got up from what Shikamaru assumed to be the kitchen table...in what he assumed to be the kitchen; There was the fridge and dining room table...but what was up with the buckets stacked everywhere? And what was the deal with the upside down buckets with long sticks coming out of them?(A/N: Butter churns)

"Hi, Dai! So, are we going to start right away?"

"Yes, Naruto, and who's your friend here?" He smiled at Shikamaru warmly.

"His name's Shikamaru, and he keeps seeing imaginary lions" answered Naruto with a goofy look on his face.

"-Laughs- Ok, well, let's get to work" Dai heaved himself up off the table(though he was fit for his age, he was a bit on the elderly-middle-aged side). He strode out the door with the two ninjas on right behind him. He led them to the field, toward an area enclosed with a fence that looked to be at least several square acres. He opened the gate with a grunt and let his two companions in.

"Most farmers do this in and/or around the barn, but I like to do it in the open field. More room to maneuver if things go wrong" he winked at the boys.

"Do what?" asked Naruto with a confused look.

"Why, milking them of course! Here,let me show you how."(I don't know how, so I'm going to skip how he did it. Though, I'll try my best on the next part)

"Ok you two, I'll let you handle things. I need to go to town to buy some things, and I trust you two can do this with no problem?" he inquired.

"Yes, sir!" replied Naruto.

"Troublesome...but yes" sighed Shikamaru.

Dai had a strange look on his face.

"What is it?" asked Naruto.

"I just rememebered where I've heard of your friend before. A ninja who said he was his teacher told me about your good friend Shikamaru here when he came by my farm one day" He winked at Shikamaru, who knew he was talking about Asuma."Just think of milking the cow as a battle. A do or die skirmish between you and a ferocious bovine. A life or death war against a body color-challenged mammal that must be fought strategically and cautiously. You don't just go squeezing those udders and which way... and one last thing: don't show fear. Those cows can sense it. Think of it...as a metaphor for Shogi or Go...but against a 200-pound cow. Once you've made your move, the cow can make hers, or throw the board off the table and pund your face in because you pissed her off."

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow in slight amusement.Naruto chuckled, and Dai walked off to the house to get his pack mule and cart for his journey to the main village.

"Ok, Shikamaru, let's do this!(LEEEROOOY JENKINS!!...ok, sorry, that didn't happen) as Naruto ran toward the nearest cow, bucket in tow."

"Maybe we should both do one cow, to make sure we get things right. I mean, we still are amateurs at this" cautioned the lazy Nara.

"Ok, Shikamaru." Naruto replied, but didn't look up. They took up positions on either side of the black and white animal, and Naruto began milking it, to the best of his overactive self's ability.

"Naruto you're squeezing too hard, you need to take it good and slow"

Naruto finished milking the cow with now incident. It seemed to not have even noticed them.

"Ok, Shikamaru your turn! You get the next one!" Naruto yelled as he heaved the bucket back to the house.

Shikamaru sat down on a stool they had brought from the house and began his work. Unfortunately for him, he did not get so calm a cow as Naruto's. He lost control and ended up spraying himself with the organically grown lactose-infused liquid.

"Argh!!!" he yelped as he whiped himself with a nearby towel. Sighing, he finished milking the cow.

"I hate cows..." he decided, groaning, as he lifted the bucket and walked back to the house.

Naruto came back and they continued milking the cows in turns. Oddly, Naruto seemed to have had a natural affinity for it, and Shikamaru was doing badly: something bad happened with every cow. One kept knocking his bucket over when it was nearly filled, and another had tried to kick him.

_Late in the afternoon_, Shikamaru had just come back from lugging a bucket back to the house.

"How many are left?" he asked.

"Just one I think" said Naruto, and he went to go milk it.

"Thank Kami we're almost done" said Shikamaru and he closed his eyes.

"Uhhh..Shikamaru? I think something's wrong" squeaked Naruto.

Shikamaru opened his eyes and saw Naruto gripping the cow's udder. But, something was wrong. For one thing, it was completely black, instead of mixed black and white. Another thing was that its horns were more well developed...and it looked far less docile than all the other cows. What sealed it was that it had only one single udder, gripped by Naruto.

Shikamaru's eyes grew the size of saucers.

"Naruto, that's not a cow..." Shikamaru squeaked as he slowly backed away.

"What do you mean?" Naruto questioned.

"Naruto, that's a bull, the _male version_ of a cow. They're VERY agressive, and what you're holding is..." Shikamaru squeaked again, drippign sweat.

Naruto's eyes grew larger than his head and his pupils dilated. The bull looked at his and snorted, and began pawing the ground.

"RRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUNNNN!!!!" yelled Shikamaru and the two ninjas tookoff running, the bull charging close behind. Unfortunately, Naruto couldn't keep up and the bull lifted his by his horns, and threw him over its head. Naruto hit the ground with a dull **thud**.

Shikamaru, using his limited knowledge of bulls, from what he read, had heard of a bullfight. Now, he decided to see if he could do it. He took a red hankerchief out of his pocket and waved it off to the side of his body, and in front of the well. The bull charged one more time, aiming for the hanky, and Shikamaru pulled it away at the last second. The bull's horns got stuck in the stone well, making holes, and it grunted in surprise. It struggled to pull out, but to no avail.

"Checkmate" Shikamaru grinned.

"How troublesome. Dai can help it when he gets back" he thought. He sat down, tired, and went to go have a look at Naruto and see if he was ok.

"I hate cows" Shikamaru sighed as he helped the blonde boy up and dusted him off.

-Fin-

Author's Minute- Well, I don't know if that really turned out funny, but I hope you enjoyed it. REVIEW!!!!

Oh, and I know "lactose intolerant" refers to milk(specifically, what's contained in it), but you get the idea.

(Goes to start working on his Kabuto/Sakura) You guys can wrap this up.

Shikamaru: How troublesome

Naruto: Where's my Ramen?

Shikamaru: ...idiot

Asuma: There you are!!!

Shikamaru: Yipe!!! (runs away)


End file.
